Eternity in question

In need of a safer outlet than facebook statuses to confess my current thoughts. A little introspection that needs to get out of my head before it consumes too much of my present. I'm questioning the future. Why is it that I always had big aspirations for my life where I am currently? I could always picture what life would be like as I hoped it be would be at this age. But why is it that I've never been able to picture anything beyond this? I feel stupid that I even consider this, but I worry what if the Mayan calendar predictions were right? What if it is all over in 2.5 years? What then? What would heaven be like? Would that disprove religion? Would there be no heaven? What do I even hope eternity is like? Will it be like Groundhogs Day? Will I atleast get to pick the day? December 27th, 2009. I'm not living in the past. I'm just saying that would be the day I'd pick to get to do over on infinite repeat. We try to act so strong when things fall apart and tell ourselves we will be happy. But then time turns happy into "well, atleast I'm not unhappy". I see it happening all around. People just getting comfortable, trying to forget their great mistakes as if to pretend they were just insignificant mistakes like all the rest. I wonder then, if the world starts tearing apart, will we all run back to the great ones that we hoped to be with just once more in life, because what is there to lose if you're only problem was picturing a future together that would work? When there is no future, is there a problem anymore? I hope that it's not the case, but I can't help but feel like it's coming close to being over. I just feel this sense of doom every now and then and it feels so lonely. I don't feel this way all the time or even often. But the rare times I think about it, like right now, I can't help but wonder is this really it? What now? I don't want to spend these last moments thinking that the happiest day of my life has already past. I will be happy, yes... But... Will I be happIER? Time will tell. Earthquakes and volcano eruptions will still happen no matter if the Mayans were right or wrong, they are trying to tell us carpe diem. I guess all that I can do now is listen and try to make each day better than the last. Please don't worry about me thinking I'm depressed and need consoling. I won't feel this way tomorrow. I will already feel better by the time I've posted this rant because it's how I work. I only get depressed when I feel there's nothing left in this world to be contributed that hasn't already been done. But then I write and feel better, like I just created something that makes beautiful chaotic sense to me. And no one else could have touched more clearly on my thoughts than I just did. It's an artist thing that you wouldn't understand unless you do it too. Otherwise, you'd probably just think I'm mental, but crazy blog ranting is way healthier than cutting an ear off, I'd say.
-- Post From My iPhone