In need of a safer outlet than facebook statuses to confess my current thoughts. A little introspection that needs to get out of my head before it consumes too much of my present. I'm questioning the future. Why is it that I always had big aspirations for my life where I am currently? I could always picture what life would be like as I hoped it be would be at this age. But why is it that I've never been able to picture anything beyond this? I feel stupid that I even consider this, but I worry what if the Mayan calendar predictions were right? What if it is all over in 2.5 years? What then? What would heaven be like? Would that disprove religion? Would there be no heaven? What do I even hope eternity is like? Will it be like Groundhogs Day? Will I atleast get to pick the day? December 27th, 2009. I'm not living in the past. I'm just saying that would be the day I'd pick to get to do over on infinite repeat. We try to act so strong when things fall apart and tell ourselves we will be happy. But then time turns happy into "well, atleast I'm not unhappy". I see it happening all around. People just getting comfortable, trying to forget their great mistakes as if to pretend they were just insignificant mistakes like all the rest. I wonder then, if the world starts tearing apart, will we all run back to the great ones that we hoped to be with just once more in life, because what is there to lose if you're only problem was picturing a future together that would work? When there is no future, is there a problem anymore? I hope that it's not the case, but I can't help but feel like it's coming close to being over. I just feel this sense of doom every now and then and it feels so lonely. I don't feel this way all the time or even often. But the rare times I think about it, like right now, I can't help but wonder is this really it? What now? I don't want to spend these last moments thinking that the happiest day of my life has already past. I will be happy, yes... But... Will I be happIER? Time will tell. Earthquakes and volcano eruptions will still happen no matter if the Mayans were right or wrong, they are trying to tell us carpe diem. I guess all that I can do now is listen and try to make each day better than the last. Please don't worry about me thinking I'm depressed and need consoling. I won't feel this way tomorrow. I will already feel better by the time I've posted this rant because it's how I work. I only get depressed when I feel there's nothing left in this world to be contributed that hasn't already been done. But then I write and feel better, like I just created something that makes beautiful chaotic sense to me. And no one else could have touched more clearly on my thoughts than I just did. It's an artist thing that you wouldn't understand unless you do it too. Otherwise, you'd probably just think I'm mental, but crazy blog ranting is way healthier than cutting an ear off, I'd say.
-- Post From My iPhone
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Long Overdue Update
This will be my last post in this blog. Because, well, I'm no longer a Philadelphian. So, for all of my PA followers wondering where the hell I disappeared to and why and so and so forth, here ya go.
I moved back home in September. I don't regret anything. I'm very happy being home but I'm super blessed for my time in Philly because I realized a lot of things.
1) I was feeling really restless in VA, I loved my life, my job, and my friends here, but for some reason I felt unsettled knowing that I'd never left. Leaving helped me realize just what is important to me. My family is a big deal to me. Being close by to them is something I took for granted until I was more than just a spontaneous hour long trip away.
2) My job and paycheck does not define me. My hobbies define me. I will never be able to make a living off the things I love doing: making people laugh, drinking beers with friends, playing sports, writing songs, cooking, playing guitar, reading Jane Austen novels, watching Dexter. But as long as I make a point to DO these things outside of 9a-5p, then I will always be happy. I wasted a lot of my free time trying to figure out what I wanted to do for a living that would make me happy, which in turn meant I wasn't doing the things that inevitably made me feel fulfilled in life. So, yeah, I know now that I could work the shittiest job in the world from 9a-5p as long as my evenings and weekends are spent doing the things I love and not spent worrying about the future. The future will figure itself out, it always has, it always will.
3) I loved the public transportation aspect of city living, but nothing beats that small town feeling of going somewhere and running into familiar and friendly faces.
4) I got my love for reading back. And sometimes, there's just no better evening then one quietly spent on the couch with some earl grey and a good book.
5) I really like my independence and feeling self sufficient. I don't know why, but I like the feeling of looking around and thinking, I worked hard and saved hard for this. I don't like handouts or expensive gifts. There's nothing you can tell me with your wallet that you can't say for free with your mouth. Maybe it's a pride thing, but I like to think it's an anti-shallow thing. Or maybe I'm just cheap.
6) I like to feel appreciated. (who doesn't?) It felt good to come home and see old friends and coworkers that were glad to see me back. You don't really get that feeling in a big city. Sometimes its just good to hear a simple "thanks". Not that it's frequently necessary, but if you ever find yourself wondering "what's the point?" It might be because you haven't heard a thank you in a long time.
7) I love football. I really learned the game while in Philly, not just the basics. I can spot holding penalties and call challenge outcomes impressively for an estrogen harborer. And yes, I refer to my favorite players by their first name. What up?!
I think I'll leave it at lucky 7. I could keep going. Just know that I'm home, I'm happy, and I know I could go anywhere if the time ever came, and take these lessons with me. Oh wait no, there is one huge lesson I'm leaving out.
On my 24th birthday card from my mom she wrote this simple yet profound statement. "You have the power to create your own happiness. It's just a matter of choosing how you look at things."
And then it went on to say more great mom-insights that seem to be exactly what you need to hear at the time. Did I mention how important my family is to me???
Life's too short to choose to be unhappy. Philly wasn't going well, I stayed there as long as I did because I didn't want to feel like I failed. I had a choice, I could stay there and be miserable but keep my pride, or I could move back, admit defeat, but smile more. I will always choose happiness.
That's it for this blog. I hope you enjoyed it.
I moved back home in September. I don't regret anything. I'm very happy being home but I'm super blessed for my time in Philly because I realized a lot of things.
1) I was feeling really restless in VA, I loved my life, my job, and my friends here, but for some reason I felt unsettled knowing that I'd never left. Leaving helped me realize just what is important to me. My family is a big deal to me. Being close by to them is something I took for granted until I was more than just a spontaneous hour long trip away.
2) My job and paycheck does not define me. My hobbies define me. I will never be able to make a living off the things I love doing: making people laugh, drinking beers with friends, playing sports, writing songs, cooking, playing guitar, reading Jane Austen novels, watching Dexter. But as long as I make a point to DO these things outside of 9a-5p, then I will always be happy. I wasted a lot of my free time trying to figure out what I wanted to do for a living that would make me happy, which in turn meant I wasn't doing the things that inevitably made me feel fulfilled in life. So, yeah, I know now that I could work the shittiest job in the world from 9a-5p as long as my evenings and weekends are spent doing the things I love and not spent worrying about the future. The future will figure itself out, it always has, it always will.
3) I loved the public transportation aspect of city living, but nothing beats that small town feeling of going somewhere and running into familiar and friendly faces.
4) I got my love for reading back. And sometimes, there's just no better evening then one quietly spent on the couch with some earl grey and a good book.
5) I really like my independence and feeling self sufficient. I don't know why, but I like the feeling of looking around and thinking, I worked hard and saved hard for this. I don't like handouts or expensive gifts. There's nothing you can tell me with your wallet that you can't say for free with your mouth. Maybe it's a pride thing, but I like to think it's an anti-shallow thing. Or maybe I'm just cheap.
6) I like to feel appreciated. (who doesn't?) It felt good to come home and see old friends and coworkers that were glad to see me back. You don't really get that feeling in a big city. Sometimes its just good to hear a simple "thanks". Not that it's frequently necessary, but if you ever find yourself wondering "what's the point?" It might be because you haven't heard a thank you in a long time.
7) I love football. I really learned the game while in Philly, not just the basics. I can spot holding penalties and call challenge outcomes impressively for an estrogen harborer. And yes, I refer to my favorite players by their first name. What up?!
I think I'll leave it at lucky 7. I could keep going. Just know that I'm home, I'm happy, and I know I could go anywhere if the time ever came, and take these lessons with me. Oh wait no, there is one huge lesson I'm leaving out.
On my 24th birthday card from my mom she wrote this simple yet profound statement. "You have the power to create your own happiness. It's just a matter of choosing how you look at things."
And then it went on to say more great mom-insights that seem to be exactly what you need to hear at the time. Did I mention how important my family is to me???
Life's too short to choose to be unhappy. Philly wasn't going well, I stayed there as long as I did because I didn't want to feel like I failed. I had a choice, I could stay there and be miserable but keep my pride, or I could move back, admit defeat, but smile more. I will always choose happiness.
That's it for this blog. I hope you enjoyed it.
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