In need of a safer outlet than facebook statuses to confess my current thoughts. A little introspection that needs to get out of my head before it consumes too much of my present. I'm questioning the future. Why is it that I always had big aspirations for my life where I am currently? I could always picture what life would be like as I hoped it be would be at this age. But why is it that I've never been able to picture anything beyond this? I feel stupid that I even consider this, but I worry what if the Mayan calendar predictions were right? What if it is all over in 2.5 years? What then? What would heaven be like? Would that disprove religion? Would there be no heaven? What do I even hope eternity is like? Will it be like Groundhogs Day? Will I atleast get to pick the day? December 27th, 2009. I'm not living in the past. I'm just saying that would be the day I'd pick to get to do over on infinite repeat. We try to act so strong when things fall apart and tell ourselves we will be happy. But then time turns happy into "well, atleast I'm not unhappy". I see it happening all around. People just getting comfortable, trying to forget their great mistakes as if to pretend they were just insignificant mistakes like all the rest. I wonder then, if the world starts tearing apart, will we all run back to the great ones that we hoped to be with just once more in life, because what is there to lose if you're only problem was picturing a future together that would work? When there is no future, is there a problem anymore? I hope that it's not the case, but I can't help but feel like it's coming close to being over. I just feel this sense of doom every now and then and it feels so lonely. I don't feel this way all the time or even often. But the rare times I think about it, like right now, I can't help but wonder is this really it? What now? I don't want to spend these last moments thinking that the happiest day of my life has already past. I will be happy, yes... But... Will I be happIER? Time will tell. Earthquakes and volcano eruptions will still happen no matter if the Mayans were right or wrong, they are trying to tell us carpe diem. I guess all that I can do now is listen and try to make each day better than the last. Please don't worry about me thinking I'm depressed and need consoling. I won't feel this way tomorrow. I will already feel better by the time I've posted this rant because it's how I work. I only get depressed when I feel there's nothing left in this world to be contributed that hasn't already been done. But then I write and feel better, like I just created something that makes beautiful chaotic sense to me. And no one else could have touched more clearly on my thoughts than I just did. It's an artist thing that you wouldn't understand unless you do it too. Otherwise, you'd probably just think I'm mental, but crazy blog ranting is way healthier than cutting an ear off, I'd say.
-- Post From My iPhone
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Long Overdue Update
This will be my last post in this blog. Because, well, I'm no longer a Philadelphian. So, for all of my PA followers wondering where the hell I disappeared to and why and so and so forth, here ya go.
I moved back home in September. I don't regret anything. I'm very happy being home but I'm super blessed for my time in Philly because I realized a lot of things.
1) I was feeling really restless in VA, I loved my life, my job, and my friends here, but for some reason I felt unsettled knowing that I'd never left. Leaving helped me realize just what is important to me. My family is a big deal to me. Being close by to them is something I took for granted until I was more than just a spontaneous hour long trip away.
2) My job and paycheck does not define me. My hobbies define me. I will never be able to make a living off the things I love doing: making people laugh, drinking beers with friends, playing sports, writing songs, cooking, playing guitar, reading Jane Austen novels, watching Dexter. But as long as I make a point to DO these things outside of 9a-5p, then I will always be happy. I wasted a lot of my free time trying to figure out what I wanted to do for a living that would make me happy, which in turn meant I wasn't doing the things that inevitably made me feel fulfilled in life. So, yeah, I know now that I could work the shittiest job in the world from 9a-5p as long as my evenings and weekends are spent doing the things I love and not spent worrying about the future. The future will figure itself out, it always has, it always will.
3) I loved the public transportation aspect of city living, but nothing beats that small town feeling of going somewhere and running into familiar and friendly faces.
4) I got my love for reading back. And sometimes, there's just no better evening then one quietly spent on the couch with some earl grey and a good book.
5) I really like my independence and feeling self sufficient. I don't know why, but I like the feeling of looking around and thinking, I worked hard and saved hard for this. I don't like handouts or expensive gifts. There's nothing you can tell me with your wallet that you can't say for free with your mouth. Maybe it's a pride thing, but I like to think it's an anti-shallow thing. Or maybe I'm just cheap.
6) I like to feel appreciated. (who doesn't?) It felt good to come home and see old friends and coworkers that were glad to see me back. You don't really get that feeling in a big city. Sometimes its just good to hear a simple "thanks". Not that it's frequently necessary, but if you ever find yourself wondering "what's the point?" It might be because you haven't heard a thank you in a long time.
7) I love football. I really learned the game while in Philly, not just the basics. I can spot holding penalties and call challenge outcomes impressively for an estrogen harborer. And yes, I refer to my favorite players by their first name. What up?!
I think I'll leave it at lucky 7. I could keep going. Just know that I'm home, I'm happy, and I know I could go anywhere if the time ever came, and take these lessons with me. Oh wait no, there is one huge lesson I'm leaving out.
On my 24th birthday card from my mom she wrote this simple yet profound statement. "You have the power to create your own happiness. It's just a matter of choosing how you look at things."
And then it went on to say more great mom-insights that seem to be exactly what you need to hear at the time. Did I mention how important my family is to me???
Life's too short to choose to be unhappy. Philly wasn't going well, I stayed there as long as I did because I didn't want to feel like I failed. I had a choice, I could stay there and be miserable but keep my pride, or I could move back, admit defeat, but smile more. I will always choose happiness.
That's it for this blog. I hope you enjoyed it.
I moved back home in September. I don't regret anything. I'm very happy being home but I'm super blessed for my time in Philly because I realized a lot of things.
1) I was feeling really restless in VA, I loved my life, my job, and my friends here, but for some reason I felt unsettled knowing that I'd never left. Leaving helped me realize just what is important to me. My family is a big deal to me. Being close by to them is something I took for granted until I was more than just a spontaneous hour long trip away.
2) My job and paycheck does not define me. My hobbies define me. I will never be able to make a living off the things I love doing: making people laugh, drinking beers with friends, playing sports, writing songs, cooking, playing guitar, reading Jane Austen novels, watching Dexter. But as long as I make a point to DO these things outside of 9a-5p, then I will always be happy. I wasted a lot of my free time trying to figure out what I wanted to do for a living that would make me happy, which in turn meant I wasn't doing the things that inevitably made me feel fulfilled in life. So, yeah, I know now that I could work the shittiest job in the world from 9a-5p as long as my evenings and weekends are spent doing the things I love and not spent worrying about the future. The future will figure itself out, it always has, it always will.
3) I loved the public transportation aspect of city living, but nothing beats that small town feeling of going somewhere and running into familiar and friendly faces.
4) I got my love for reading back. And sometimes, there's just no better evening then one quietly spent on the couch with some earl grey and a good book.
5) I really like my independence and feeling self sufficient. I don't know why, but I like the feeling of looking around and thinking, I worked hard and saved hard for this. I don't like handouts or expensive gifts. There's nothing you can tell me with your wallet that you can't say for free with your mouth. Maybe it's a pride thing, but I like to think it's an anti-shallow thing. Or maybe I'm just cheap.
6) I like to feel appreciated. (who doesn't?) It felt good to come home and see old friends and coworkers that were glad to see me back. You don't really get that feeling in a big city. Sometimes its just good to hear a simple "thanks". Not that it's frequently necessary, but if you ever find yourself wondering "what's the point?" It might be because you haven't heard a thank you in a long time.
7) I love football. I really learned the game while in Philly, not just the basics. I can spot holding penalties and call challenge outcomes impressively for an estrogen harborer. And yes, I refer to my favorite players by their first name. What up?!
I think I'll leave it at lucky 7. I could keep going. Just know that I'm home, I'm happy, and I know I could go anywhere if the time ever came, and take these lessons with me. Oh wait no, there is one huge lesson I'm leaving out.
On my 24th birthday card from my mom she wrote this simple yet profound statement. "You have the power to create your own happiness. It's just a matter of choosing how you look at things."
And then it went on to say more great mom-insights that seem to be exactly what you need to hear at the time. Did I mention how important my family is to me???
Life's too short to choose to be unhappy. Philly wasn't going well, I stayed there as long as I did because I didn't want to feel like I failed. I had a choice, I could stay there and be miserable but keep my pride, or I could move back, admit defeat, but smile more. I will always choose happiness.
That's it for this blog. I hope you enjoyed it.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
The Cruise
Finally revisiting some promised updates... the Cruise.
-Went to the Western Caribbean the first week in May. It was awesome! Being my first cruise, I was afraid I might get seasick, but it didn't bother me at all, weirdly what bothered me most was being back on land, where you still felt like you're rocking. I didn't like that too much, because it's the same feeling I get when I'm dehydrated. The other downer to the week was I forgot to put sunscreen on my stomach the first day, and while the burn wasn't that bad, a few days later I decided to run a 5k on the top-level track and it made the burn start to peel prematurely, so the last 3 days, it felt like I was walking around with my internal organs exposed to the elements. K.O. points to the Caribbean sun. I'll get a rematch again sometime though, because other than the sea legs and the sun burn it was up there on the list of most awesome adventures I've taken.
Great things about the trip:
-Haiti= went ziplining on the world's longest zipline over water
-Jamaica=bought a hookah and laughed as the customs people were trying to get me to call it a 'bong'. Didn't fall for that trick. Now I'm thankful that I had some hippie friends in college that told me the only difference between a 'bong' and a 'waterpipe' is the name, and a 'bong' is illegal in the U.S.
We also climbed up a waterfall in Jamaica. I saw my life flashing before my eyes a lot during that expedition, but I made it to the top okay. Sadly, the 70 year old in front of me did not. He's okay.... just had to quit after the first part of the climb. (I wanted to as well). Because I was under the impression that it was going to be a leisurely hike BESIDE Dunn's River Falls. Wrong. It was IN the falls. Basically rock climbing in the middle of a terrentual downpour, hoping for your life that no one above you falls, because they're taking everyone below them out with them. Yeah, it would never fly in the U.S. But hey, I survived, so i feel ultra bad ass.
-Grand Caymans=did some ocean kayaking and then coral reef snorkeling on the "divorce excursion". They only had two person kayaks, and well, when you're already exhausted from climbing for your life the day before, and you feel like your kayak is just going in circles, there was a lot of "Stop hitting my paddle!", "You're not doing it right!", "Just stop. I'll do it myself!".... I'm cranky when I'm tired.
-The food= completely awesome, completely too much, hence the need to run the 5k.
-The entertainment= I learned how to play casino black jack, and it only cost $200 to learn! HA! Good thing I'm good at Hold'em and was able to win my losses back. My favorite source of entertainment was the piano bar with Matt Yee. We went to see him perform almost every night. He did an "Adult Sing-Along" show, which basically meant a bunch of people singing oldies and getting plastered. The worse we sang, the more he made us drink. Which obviously meant a downward spiral of more howling and more drinking. Good times though, good times.
-The foreigners=no need to explain, there were plenty of stories that ended with "....foreigners". Just like I'm sure there were equivalent amounts of historias that ended with "... américains"
My favorite story being the adorable 3 year old german boy in the elevator practicing his numbers. He completely mixed up his zwölf with his elf.... foreigners.
-Went to the Western Caribbean the first week in May. It was awesome! Being my first cruise, I was afraid I might get seasick, but it didn't bother me at all, weirdly what bothered me most was being back on land, where you still felt like you're rocking. I didn't like that too much, because it's the same feeling I get when I'm dehydrated. The other downer to the week was I forgot to put sunscreen on my stomach the first day, and while the burn wasn't that bad, a few days later I decided to run a 5k on the top-level track and it made the burn start to peel prematurely, so the last 3 days, it felt like I was walking around with my internal organs exposed to the elements. K.O. points to the Caribbean sun. I'll get a rematch again sometime though, because other than the sea legs and the sun burn it was up there on the list of most awesome adventures I've taken.
Great things about the trip:
-Haiti= went ziplining on the world's longest zipline over water
-Jamaica=bought a hookah and laughed as the customs people were trying to get me to call it a 'bong'. Didn't fall for that trick. Now I'm thankful that I had some hippie friends in college that told me the only difference between a 'bong' and a 'waterpipe' is the name, and a 'bong' is illegal in the U.S.
We also climbed up a waterfall in Jamaica. I saw my life flashing before my eyes a lot during that expedition, but I made it to the top okay. Sadly, the 70 year old in front of me did not. He's okay.... just had to quit after the first part of the climb. (I wanted to as well). Because I was under the impression that it was going to be a leisurely hike BESIDE Dunn's River Falls. Wrong. It was IN the falls. Basically rock climbing in the middle of a terrentual downpour, hoping for your life that no one above you falls, because they're taking everyone below them out with them. Yeah, it would never fly in the U.S. But hey, I survived, so i feel ultra bad ass.
-Grand Caymans=did some ocean kayaking and then coral reef snorkeling on the "divorce excursion". They only had two person kayaks, and well, when you're already exhausted from climbing for your life the day before, and you feel like your kayak is just going in circles, there was a lot of "Stop hitting my paddle!", "You're not doing it right!", "Just stop. I'll do it myself!".... I'm cranky when I'm tired.
-The food= completely awesome, completely too much, hence the need to run the 5k.
-The entertainment= I learned how to play casino black jack, and it only cost $200 to learn! HA! Good thing I'm good at Hold'em and was able to win my losses back. My favorite source of entertainment was the piano bar with Matt Yee. We went to see him perform almost every night. He did an "Adult Sing-Along" show, which basically meant a bunch of people singing oldies and getting plastered. The worse we sang, the more he made us drink. Which obviously meant a downward spiral of more howling and more drinking. Good times though, good times.
-The foreigners=no need to explain, there were plenty of stories that ended with "....foreigners". Just like I'm sure there were equivalent amounts of historias that ended with "... américains"
My favorite story being the adorable 3 year old german boy in the elevator practicing his numbers. He completely mixed up his zwölf with his elf.... foreigners.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
New Hope, PA
Sean and I went to New Hope a couple weekends ago and that's like my new favorite place. It reminds me of my two homes. Lexington and Harrisonburg. It has the small historic natural charm of Lexington being right next to the Delaware river, while having that cultural blast and young energy of the burg. Equiped with a brewpub, art galleries, cafes, and the coolest little bookstore I've ever been too. I've included some shots I took with my iPhone while there.
-- Post From My iPhone
-- Post From My iPhone
Monday, June 8, 2009
Updates to come
Posts I will be creating soon:
Cruise
Bday trip to NYC
iPhone
Trip home to the burg
New hope trip
South street big wheel pub crawl
Fool by Christopher Moore
My job update
I'm working on these so stay tuned.
-- Post From My iPhone
Cruise
Bday trip to NYC
iPhone
Trip home to the burg
New hope trip
South street big wheel pub crawl
Fool by Christopher Moore
My job update
I'm working on these so stay tuned.
-- Post From My iPhone
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Update
1) went to Vegas last week. That was tons of fun! Got some really cool stories, photos, and coined the phrase "This is how episodes of CSI start." I'll share stories and photos when I find time, which I don't have now that I'm working full-time at a job where I think anyone might go postal at any minute, and I can't even guarantee that it won't be me, and I consider myself normal.
But I guess it's the "normal" ones you have to keep an eye on.
2) My job: working full-time in NJ, as a typesetter/graphic designer for all of the local hospitals. I create all of those forms you fill out when you go to the doctor, booklets with pictures of festering wounds, and pamphlets such as, "Oops, You've Got Herpes! Now What?" I hate my life between the hours of 8a-5p. So basically, I'm saving up as much money as I can so that I can either visit Harrisonburg every other weekend, or just move back and do the blind job hunt over again. Compared to now, I think I would take food service/retail back in the Burg any day. But I'm still holding out for that Audio job to get back to me in the next month. I'm also seriously considering taking out a loan (if I can get one), and starting my own graphic design business, instead of freelancing. Then I could make my own schedule and it wouldn't matter where I lived, a few weeks here, a few there, lots of time for hockey, vegas, and the steelers. sigh, I just want to be happy. I'll start working on that dream on my birthday.
3) I'm spending my entire VA state refund on music. There's no station up here that even compares to WNRN, so I had to create my own version of WNRN on Pandora, and the result was me being introduced to way too much music that I must own NOW.
4) One of my cousins is getting married this weekend, while another one of my cousins just turned 2 days old!
5) it's dinner time.
But I guess it's the "normal" ones you have to keep an eye on.
2) My job: working full-time in NJ, as a typesetter/graphic designer for all of the local hospitals. I create all of those forms you fill out when you go to the doctor, booklets with pictures of festering wounds, and pamphlets such as, "Oops, You've Got Herpes! Now What?" I hate my life between the hours of 8a-5p. So basically, I'm saving up as much money as I can so that I can either visit Harrisonburg every other weekend, or just move back and do the blind job hunt over again. Compared to now, I think I would take food service/retail back in the Burg any day. But I'm still holding out for that Audio job to get back to me in the next month. I'm also seriously considering taking out a loan (if I can get one), and starting my own graphic design business, instead of freelancing. Then I could make my own schedule and it wouldn't matter where I lived, a few weeks here, a few there, lots of time for hockey, vegas, and the steelers. sigh, I just want to be happy. I'll start working on that dream on my birthday.
3) I'm spending my entire VA state refund on music. There's no station up here that even compares to WNRN, so I had to create my own version of WNRN on Pandora, and the result was me being introduced to way too much music that I must own NOW.
4) One of my cousins is getting married this weekend, while another one of my cousins just turned 2 days old!
5) it's dinner time.
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz (8)
I think I get the point of the book.... I think.... I could be completely wrong though, but here's my take on it:
The curse that the book refers to that anyone who hears or says the name of a certain ship captain who (hint) "sailed the ocean blue", I think has to do exactly with the concepts that came along with him. Another website says about him, "He was the original frontiersman who challenged the unknown sea and brought back stories that fired the imagination of a new beginning where all would be possible."
Well, haven't you felt a bit cursed too since you got the history lesson in Elementary school? When you felt you lived in a world with little left to be discovered, but somehow you had to discover SOMETHING? I don't know about you, but I have. It's like the main theme in "The Cheese Monkeys" by Chip Kidd, the human condition means always looking for the next best thing, trying to be the best you can possibly be, not settling for anything less than BETTER. Suddenly, good is never good enough. We live in an age where "Good is dead". Great is the only option. And perhaps it's that same condition that creates the curse. Once we realize good is dead, and we want something more, that we might deserve something more, we will never be able to let that go, never be satisfied until we die.
And as a result, the more people we come in contact with with our "be somebody" mentality, the more we spread the curse to affect them as well. Sorry, reader. I may have cursed you. But Junot did it to me, so blame him. Again, I could be wrong though.
Overall, great book, but I could also see it as the equivalent of a Jackson Pollock painting... Only great if you chose to interpret it as something moving. I'd like to think that I took something from it, if not just a new interest in the history of the dominican republic.
The curse that the book refers to that anyone who hears or says the name of a certain ship captain who (hint) "sailed the ocean blue", I think has to do exactly with the concepts that came along with him. Another website says about him, "He was the original frontiersman who challenged the unknown sea and brought back stories that fired the imagination of a new beginning where all would be possible."
Well, haven't you felt a bit cursed too since you got the history lesson in Elementary school? When you felt you lived in a world with little left to be discovered, but somehow you had to discover SOMETHING? I don't know about you, but I have. It's like the main theme in "The Cheese Monkeys" by Chip Kidd, the human condition means always looking for the next best thing, trying to be the best you can possibly be, not settling for anything less than BETTER. Suddenly, good is never good enough. We live in an age where "Good is dead". Great is the only option. And perhaps it's that same condition that creates the curse. Once we realize good is dead, and we want something more, that we might deserve something more, we will never be able to let that go, never be satisfied until we die.
And as a result, the more people we come in contact with with our "be somebody" mentality, the more we spread the curse to affect them as well. Sorry, reader. I may have cursed you. But Junot did it to me, so blame him. Again, I could be wrong though.
Overall, great book, but I could also see it as the equivalent of a Jackson Pollock painting... Only great if you chose to interpret it as something moving. I'd like to think that I took something from it, if not just a new interest in the history of the dominican republic.
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